Why how interesting.

To start, I know this isnt a conventional blog, of everything little thing that I do and stuff, but I try to keep up with some of that stuff and also a bit of that other good stuff and so what, keep a mix, but if there is anything any of you want me to talk about, like comparisons of something between Germany and USA, just comment on this post.
This has been a long time coming, this entire year, the whole process, of Rotary. Yes I am a person that keeps tracks of dates, and well yeah, you may already know, but I just come out and say it, bad or not. But officially on February 9th, my exchange is half over. It is more of a number than actual significance to me. Ahhh who am i kidding, it sucks! The first half of my year was a rollercoaster, filled with some of the highest highs of my life, and some of the lowest lows. Lets hope for a more constant second half. But I dont regret a thing from the first half. Even thoughs those lows sucked, they made me who I am sitting here right now, they are the things that will show me later in life, what is really hard, and I refer to the frase ,what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger, and in this circumstance it fits perfectly well. I am also a bit relieved of the half way. It is good to be coming along so well, I mean coming into this half way point, life is really great, and I only think it will get better.    But the feeling that gets me, is one that is soo hard to put words into it. I love Germany, I am a completely new person here, when I look back at myself before I came here, that boy iss soo far gone. This year will always be the point in my life, that I knew that I actually grew up. On that note, I love the new me, I have soo much more self confidence than before, and I love just being here in this place at this time. Its really just a different life, I feel this is my life now. And that brings me to the second half of this feeling I am trying to describe. I do want to go home, as much as I really really love everything and anythign here, all the aspects of life. I still want to return to home and normality at some point, whether i want to in 6 months or in 2 years, that I dont know. But what I do know is that I am going home in 6 months whether I like or not. It will be going back to tthe old life, but I am not looking at in that way, yes it will be a return to my normal surroundings, but I dont plan on anything really being that similar when I go back. I will be a different person and so will my life. This is this strange feelings concept. It almost seems to me like I have 2 different lives, the one here, and the one back home, I wont choose which one I like more, because that would simply discredit the other. Its a feeling that rips you inside, to ever even ponder your mind about going home and leaving everything here behind. But inside yourself, you dont know what it will be like to go home, you may think it will be great, but bad, but its like starting over again. When I came here it was starting over essentially in life, no one knew me, I could be whoever I wanted to be. I am proud of the person that I have become here. But on that point, who am I suppose to be when I return, I know the friends and family will somewhat expect a mostly similar person to the one that left, But I am simply not that. Its a strange feeling to try and think how you will fit back in.
I only think about all this going home stuff just because of the circumstance of an email I got pertaining to the my return flight ticket, and that gaudy half way number. These are my thoughts now, probably a bit uncomprehendable to any one other than myself, but I also think it will be interesting to compare when that (insert adjective here) day in July comes.
But what really matters is that I think these last 6 months should be the best ones of my life, and I am determined to make them that way. I am just going to do it, like Nike tells me. Go out and do it and not look back, I am at the point in life, where I know what I want, I know what makes me happy, and I am going to go get that, and I willl be blunt here, but I am not going to care what anyone thinks honestly. What I did in the past is over, and I will not stop to ponder about what other peoples thoughts of me are, and why I do the things I do. I will contradict myself here, but if and when i do care to wonder sometimes how I look to other people, but in an essence, I only hope that I portray exactly what I described before, someone that just does what makes himself happy. But thats me, understand it or not, its who I am.
To switch, and look at progress through halfway, German, well I am dissapointed in myself for my progress, I am not fluent yet, but I really understand about a good 75% of things, a bit low for where I wanted, and I can also make myself be understood. I am hoping to really hit my stride in the upcoming months with German.
Here is your update Mom, Its the same old same old, with school and that sort of life, my plans that i stated before havent changed much. Not going to Prague though. and yeah its the same as home when you ask how my day was, and i simply reply the same as always (While it may be a bit more intriguing here in Germany). But to let you know, I still havent changed that about me.
On a finishing note. I...am simply left speechless sometimes. I cant say what exactly it is sometimes, just a gerneral thought about everything and anything. To think about that, whatever you may want to ponder about, Life, death, People, God, Culture, Values, Love, any aspect of life, and take it to the broadest scale you can, whether you think about it analytically or with emotion. Then simply try to comprehend it, to figure it out, to understand what it means, it cant be done. Its a really indescribable feeling, and I have done this for hours at a time, yes I am alone for quite awhile sometimes, but it always makes me refer to one thing, While There are so many, soooooo many other aspects of this world that I may never be able to comprehend or control, there is one thing in this life, that I can control, and that is me. This makes me want to be the best human being I can be and simply live my life to the absolute fullest, and yeah just be ME.